WATCHED A MOVIE ALONE (02/03/2017)
I knew that if I watched Split at 10:40 am, I would be the only one in the cinema. Now this is so much better than watching it by myself while there are other people who can judge me. But if you think about it, it is only better by a very small percentage. Because there are still people who can judge me – i.e. the staff.
When I went to the cinema, the staff actually pointed out that I’ll be the only one there. I laughed and said “that’s great!”. This made me feel worse coz now she’s probably thinking I’m a loner. Fuck. I even put on make up and dress up nicely so whoever sees me won’t think I’m a loner (because no one who looks good is truly a loser!!) but I fucking sabotaged myself.
In the end tho I enjoyed watching it by myself. I got pass my initial reservation about being seen as a loser with no friends when the movie started. The book I’m (still!!) reading about solidarity actually helped me rationalise my fear and understand that there’s nothing wrong with being alone and comfortable.
DID A SECTION OF MY CV (04/03/2017)
I know the fact that I still haven’t finished my CV is getting ridiculous… But man, fear is truly crippling. I’m just glad that I was able to force myself to finish another section of it. The hardest actually. Now I just need to get the number of my referee and write my CV properly.
I think that what help me finally do it is my routine. Because I followed it, I felt good about myself and thought that I can do anything!