I knew that if I watched Split at 10:40 am, I would be the only one in the cinema. Now this is so much better than watching it by myself while there are other people who can judge me. But if you think about it, it is only better by a very small percentage. Because there are still people who can judge me – i.e. the staff.
When I went to the cinema, the staff actually pointed out that I’ll be the only one there. I laughed and said “that’s great!”. This made me feel worse coz now she’s probably thinking I’m a loner. Fuck. I even put on make up and dress up nicely so whoever sees me won’t think I’m a loner (because no one who looks good is truly a loser!!) but I fucking sabotaged myself.
In the end tho I enjoyed watching it by myself. I got pass my initial reservation about being seen as a loser with no friends when the movie started. The book I’m (still!!) reading about solidarity actually helped me rationalise my fear and understand that there’s nothing wrong with being alone and comfortable.
DID A SECTION OF MY CV (04/03/2017)
I know the fact that I still haven’t finished my CV is getting ridiculous… But man, fear is truly crippling. I’m just glad that I was able to force myself to finish another section of it. The hardest actually. Now I just need to get the number of my referee and write my CV properly.
I think that what help me finally do it is my routine. Because I followed it, I felt good about myself and thought that I can do anything!
I was in town to volunteer in the community law centre. Since I have to drive thirty minutes to get there, I decided that I want to stay longer. Do anything so that my petrol is not wasted. After much thinking, I decided to send a message to a friend asking if she wants to hang out. I kid you not my heart was beating fast when I asked! 😂😂😂 I don’t even know why, but I think it’s not about her or anything, it’s just that I never ask first when it comes to social stuff so it makes me nervous. Anyway, not that long story made short we met up, had a really good talk, and ended the day with an “I love you” 😂 !
ASKED HELP FOR MY CV (09/02/2017)
This made me sooooo nervous too. I think it’s because I’m scared the person helping me will be like “You have no skill whatsoever to put here” or “wow, that’s the only thing you did?”… so it’s more on judgement. And then it’s also about acknowledging that I am becoming an adult who needs a full time job to sustain herself.
This one was really hard for me to do. I set an alarm to make sure I go but I had doubts the whole time I was showering, changing clothes, eating, and even while I was driving to uni!! But I did go, and let me tell you it was realllyyyyyy good. I feel more confident about myself and I even got tips on how to make my CV better. I’m really glad I went.
And you know, overcoming small things like makes me so fucking proud.
PLAYED SCARY GAMES (12/02/2017)
I went to a VR Studio and played two games that scared me. The first is theBlu, specifically the Luminous Abyss episode. The second one is a zombie game called The Brookhaven Experiment.
theBlu is an underwater exploration game so I didn’t think I’d be afraid… but look at this thing:
I mean, it’s one thing to look at it on a screen but to experience it???? OMG. When the episode started, I instinctively hugged myself. I truly wanted to call a staff member to help me get out of there.
BTW, here’s a gameplay of this episode:
TBE is a reallyyyyy fun game. I was so happy to do a horror in VR although tbh I was scared of playing a zombie game 😰 It’s because of two things: first, I feel like I might suck at listening to the instructions and so I might get stuck somewhere; second, I’m just legit terrified of zombies.
Still, I can’t really pass up on the chance to be in an alternate universe where I get to stab and shoot zombies and not really die. So just after doing Fruit Ninja and theBlu, I asked if I can play TBE. I really had so much fun. I did scream from time to time, but mostly I was just feeling it. It was like I was an actual survivor trying to annihilate all this zombies! I felt like I was such a badass, shooting with one hand and killing zombies from every direction.
I did stop at level 3 though, which was at the lab basement! My shooting accuracy sucks and I do get trigger-happy so I kept using up my ammo even before I clear the basement. 😅
Note: I don’t own the screenshots of the games I mentioned.