It’s crazy how most examples in #1 apply to me. Only bad drinking habits, saying vulgar things, and useless chattering on Facebook don’t apply to me. It really made me feel like my whole life needs to be reconsidered.
So, in the category of voluntary amendment of life, I am going to give up:
Eating between meals
Eating junk foods
Not getting up on time
And I will try to give up:
Surfing the web without any real need
Watching TV or any other media (mindlessly, just because I’m feeling lazy or I don’t like the silence)
ACTS OF PENANCE
For AOP, I am going to say no to these temptations:
TRIED A RECIPE FOR MY GORDON RAMSAY INSPIRED LIFE EXPERIENCE (22/02/2017)
Gordon said there are five dishes that a person should know how to cook. One of them is a great burger. I tried this recipe I found from Pinterest: Coffee-rubbed burger with Dr Pepper BBQ sauce. I added a maple candied bacon to just give it a bit of sweetness~ ❤️
PAINTED MY NAILS (25/02/2017)
Painting my nails used to be a favourite past time but I only use cheap nail polish so it chips quite easily. This discouraged me from doing nail art for quite a while. It’s only now that I started to get into it again!
STARTED READING ANOTHER BOOK
I’ve been wanting to read this book for a really long time so I’m glad that I saw it in the library. It’s a very good read~ very enlightening!
WENT TO THE BEACH (26/02/2017)
My sister and her boyfriend visited! We decided to go to the beach~
After taking a stroll by the beach, we were gonna eat in this place but it was gonna take an hour before we get our food! 😱
WENT OUT WITH A FRIEND (27/02/2017)
We left at almost 1 pm to go to the Asian store. K wanted to do this spicy noodle challenge and we were going to look for the noodles. After finding it on the first store we went to (!!!) we went to uni to eat but when we got there, there was almost no food left!! 😨 We ended up going to town and just hanging out.
PARTICIPATED IN A “CHALLENGE”
One of the life experiences I wanted to do was join an online challenge. So I was stoked when K said she wanted to do one from youtube!
We actually made a video which I even edited and posted in youtube. For privacy reasons I don’t want to post it here… But it was very fun! When I first put the noodles in my mouth I already felt how spicy it was. K said it tasted good, but I just thought it tasted like chili! 😥 After two mouthful of the spicy noodles my tongue and lips were just done! I tried eating again but it just felt like torture… but I continued on and actually finished by 10 min and 56 secs~! Throughout the video I was very proud of my being Bicolana, which is a person from the province of Bicol in Philippines. People there are very good with spices 😁
We actually drank milk, coke, and water. Then ate sugar and taro cookies to elevate the pain and continue on! 🤣 I think we weren’t supposed to do that but even if I’m Bicolana, I didn’t even live there for long so I’m not full pledged 😅 .
Ahhhh trying to hide my face is hard. I wanted to post other pics but I can’t be bothered trying to edit them ☹️
Whenever I want to restart something in my life, my first focus is cleaning my environment.
I normally wouldn’t post things like this here. But I was very pleased with how productive I was. From morning til late afternoon I cleaned the house like crazy. I wish I took pictures of the amount of trash I accumulated…
STARTED DOING SOMETHING RELATED TO MY ADMISSION TO THE BAR (22/02/2017)
It all comes down to the fact that I’m scared of being an adult. I’m not ready to be a lawyer so I keep trying to put off doing anything related to it. But I can’t do that. I need to face my fear. If I keep waiting for myself to be ready, I will be waiting forever.
Armed with the list of all the loose ends I need to tie up, I asked my sister to help me decide which one I will do by telling her to say stop as I use my pen to go up and down the list. It stopped on “getting my law schedule set up”… My first thought was: damn. I really need to do this.
So I did. I researched about it. I found out the latest ceremony I can go to is on June. I don’t really mind but I was sad because I knew mom wanted me to get admitted already. Oh well.
Update: I can’t do it on June. Due to a lot of time conflicts, I have to do it on August in Auckland. This made me really disappointed in myself because I let fear paralysed me before.
FINISHED ONE SECTION OF MY CV (24/02/2017)
I finally did one section of my CV. This is legit great progress! I’ve been trying to do this for soooooo long. It would be so much better if I actually finished it tho.
VOICED MY OPINION TO FRIENDS
I realised that while me and my friends in SFC (Singles For Christ) can talk about God, politics, social issues, philosophy, psychology and all those deep topics without any problems, I don’t really know them well enough to say that we are close friends. What bothered me was that talking about God certainly makes all of us vulnerable and this shows that we are really really good friends. But ask me what their favourite colours are and I wouldn’t know. I guess, simply put, we didn’t know about the small things related to each other. And for me, small things create a good, long lasting friendship.
So for our first HH, I debated about telling them how I felt. I was scared that I was the only one feeling that way. But God gave me the opportunity to talk about it so I did. And they felt the same way!!! So now we’re trying to tell each other about what we’ve been doing everyday. Even if it’s just simple things.
This week hasn’t been easy. Continuing on from how I felt the previous week, I was just not content with everything. It was like I was feeling lost again except I knew where I want to go but the end is just so far away and I just wanted to get there. I wanted to close my eyes and open it when I have been teleported to where I wanted.
I was just feeling empty, down, lifeless, bored, and anxious. When I looked into myself to see what it was all about, I realised that I was just really having a hard time with accepting that small progress is still progress, that hard work over a long period of time is required for most of my goals, and perhaps the biggest reason of all is that I was complacent in my relationship with God.
I’m writing this on a Sunday, so the 5th day of Week 7. It’s been 5 days but the only thing I’ve done that I think I could put in the blog is the burger I made, as well as going to the beach and the park with my parents, sister and my sister’s boyfriend. I can probably add reading a book there but I’m just on Chapter 3. As for my fear project, I can say that I let myself be vulnerable in my household meeting with SFC and I did one section in my CV.
Before, this would have been enough. Small progress is good progress. I thought I believed that. But when I listed all the things I’ve done in more than forty days, I realised that I haven’t really done much. I could do SO.MUCH.BETTER. This made me anxious, sick to my stomach and defeated.
I know. I really know that small progress is still progress. And that I can’t always have a crazy ass, exciting, adventurous day everyday. But this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to feel that I was living everyday as if it was the last. It wasn’t about amazing YOLO experiences. It was about doing something everyday whatever it was that would make me happy to the point that I can die that day and it would be okay.
So, things have to change. I don’t know how. I truly don’t. But I have FUCKING ONE YEAR TO LIVE. ONE. I will not let it go to waste. God is with me. NOTHING CAN BE AGAINST ME. I will get through this by trusting and depending on Him. This will end in victory, I am claiming it.
I often get discouraged with my lack of progress. My sister told me this, but for me it’s all about the big things. I always want things to be incredible, to be something so amazing. Small things don’t cut it for me. And so, even though I am progressing, since I am not where I truly want to be I get so impatient, anxious and discouraged.
But I know I shouldn’t. I know I just have to hold on.
I started the day very motivated. I did my routine and even worked out. Breakfast got me full and lunch was filling too. But as soon as I got home from volunteering, I was starving. I ate more fruit than what’s pictured below but the hunger would not subside. I had to pick up mom from work and while waiting, I talked to my sister about continuing the diet. It was hard, it was making me so cranky, and I just wanted to eat.
What I kept drinking
I really wanted to continue and finish the whole week, to prove to myself that I can lose weight if I put my heart into it. I knew that if I just hold on for at least three more hours, I can just force myself to sleep early so I won’t feel hungry. But the realisation that Day 2 involves eating ONLY vegetables made me decide to just abandon this diet.
I don’t regret it. Now I’m starting small by just eating healthy breakfast and snacks. This way, I can eat a variety of food. This way, I can sustain this healthy lifestyle that I’ve been trying to have.
EXPERIENCED A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS
This is going to be very embarrassing… but it is a testament of God’s goodness so I thought I should be brave.
Knowing that volunteering will take more than an hour, I decided that I would need $5 to pay for parking. I am not working right now so I actually don’t have any money. Still, I didn’t ask my parents to let me borrow some for parking because I figured that I can just find my mom’s coin purse and get the money from there. Three hours before I had to leave, I started looking for her purse. I couldn’t find it. I looked all over the house for some coins, from the drawers to vases, to pretty much anywhere but there was none. Not even 50 cents. I checked the cars we have, none!!! I was so stressed and I kept asking God to direct me to a place in the house where I can atleast get $4 but I just can’t find any money in my house that day. Finally, I remembered about dad’s credit card and how it still has $5. I was saved!
My volunteer took longer than two hours. But by the time I got to the parking lot, I only had to pay $4.50. I was so relieved!
For just about 30 seconds tho. The credit card was declined. I didn’t know what to do at first. I can’t contact mom in her workplace, even if I can she doesn’t have any money. Neither do my brother or sister. But still, I can try and get them to find money anywhere so I can get the car out of the parking building. I can also try calling dad to send me some money. But actually, I can’t. The problem is I have an overdraft of $28. They’d have to give me at least $35 so I can still pay for parking. I called my sister telling her about my problem.I just didn’t know what to do. If I stay longer I might have to pay $5.
At that moment, I really felt pathetic. I can’t even pay $5 for parking. How did it come to this?
But as I was on the phone with my sister, the lady who also paid for parking came back. She asked me if I don’t have any money. For a split second I considered lying to save face, but I said yes. Then I told her that it was more than just $2 tho. I felt really bad about asking for $5. It felt like I was abusing her kindness… But she said it’s okay, gave me $6 and left.
I was incredibly happy. God had provided. He did not let me down. Through that wonderful lady He saved me. I was just happy for the rest of the day. And I promised myself that when I have money, I’ll be sure to pay it forward.
STARTED MY WRECK THIS JOURNAL (16/02/2017)
My life experience for this week: finish a wreck this journal
“Write/Scribble something on the edges”
WROTE A FOOD MENU (18/02/2017)
I just realised that it’s really hard to see some of the things I wrote using a baby blue pen! Oh well~
Anyway, this is my menu for the first week of my Food Project ❤️ I’m happy to say that I only failed once in terms of breakfast and twice in terms of snacks 😬
MET UP WITH A FRIEND (20/02/2017)
It was nice to meet up with an old friend. I realised after we parted ways, but it’s almost nine years since we became friends. That’s so crazy!
We ate in Dr Don**** first, then went to another restaurant for desserts. I was soooooo full after.
We went to the new Japan Mart before going to an adult shop (it was her idea!!! I was VERY reluctant 😱) Then we went to Te R***. There was a playground there for children. It was for children under 13 years old! I didn’t want to come in because we might get told off, but we went in anyway and played in the swing. It was nice.
After that, we were gonna go home. Dad wasn’t replying and I wasn’t sure if he’s gonna pick up mom. When we got home tho dad was already home. After confirming that he’s gonna pick up mom, me and my friend went to a park. It was really nice hanging out like the old days. It was simple but not boring. I guess it’s not really surprising given how long we’ve known each other 😁❤️