(Week Eleven to Twelve) And it’s kind of difficult – You by Haris

March 22 to April 4

CONTACTED COLLEGE OF LAW FOR RESIT (27/03/2017)

CONTACTED UNIVERSITY TO ASK ABOUT MY ACADEMIC RECORD

CHECKED AVAILABLE JOBS FOR LAW

SENT CV TO SOMEONE FOR A JOB (28/03/2017)

WORKED ON MY CV

CHECK COLLEGE OF LAW’S REPLY

CHECKED MY FINANCES (29/03/2017)

WORKED ON MY COVER LETTER (30/03/2017)

WENT TO COURT BY MYSELF (31/03/2017)

PREPARED FOR MY COLLEGE OF LAW ONSITE

CHECKED RESPONSE TO SENT CV

WENT TO MY PROFS ONSITE (04/04/2017)

ACTED LIKE A LAWYER IN FRONT OF MANY PEOPLE WITHOUT PREPARATION (04/04/2017)

We did some practical stuff for profs. Most required talking out loud, acting like a lawyer, and not having time to prepare for anything at all.

TALKED TO STRANGERS IN MY ONSITE

Most of the things I’ve done these two weeks that I’m scared of are the consequence of me overcome one major fear – accepting adulthood. I really want to write a post about what I’m scared of, why I’m scared, and how I got over it. Hopefully by week 13~!

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(Week Seven) Tell me did you sail across the sun? – Drops of Jupiter by Train

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STARTED DOING SOMETHING RELATED TO MY ADMISSION TO THE BAR (22/02/2017)

It all comes down to the fact that I’m scared of being an adult. I’m not ready to be a lawyer so I keep trying to put off doing anything related to it. But I can’t do that. I need to face my fear. If I keep waiting for myself to be ready, I will be waiting forever.

Armed with the list of all the loose ends I need to tie up, I asked my sister to help me decide which one I will do by telling her to say stop as I use my pen to go up and down the list. It stopped on “getting my law schedule set up”… My first thought was: damn. I really need to do this.

So I did. I researched about it. I found out the latest ceremony I can go to is on June. I don’t really mind but I was sad because I knew mom wanted me to get admitted already. Oh well.

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Schedule

Update: I can’t do it on June. Due to a lot of time conflicts, I have to do it on August in Auckland. This made me really disappointed in myself because I let fear paralysed me before.

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FINISHED ONE SECTION OF MY CV (24/02/2017)

I finally did one section of my CV. This is legit great progress! I’ve been trying to do this for soooooo long. It would be so much better if I actually finished it tho.

VOICED MY OPINION TO FRIENDS

I realised that while me and my friends in SFC (Singles For Christ) can talk about God, politics, social issues, philosophy, psychology and all those deep topics without any problems, I don’t really know them well enough to say that we are close friends. What bothered me was that talking about God certainly makes all of us vulnerable and this shows that we are really really good friends. But ask me what their favourite colours are and I wouldn’t know. I guess, simply put, we didn’t know about the small things related to each other. And for me, small things create a good, long lasting friendship.

So for our first HH, I debated about telling them how I felt. I was scared that I was the only one feeling that way. But God gave me the opportunity to talk about it so I did. And they felt the same way!!! So now we’re trying to tell each other about what we’ve been doing everyday. Even if it’s just simple things.

(Week Seven) I tell my soul again You are Lord of all – In Control by Hillsong

February 22 to 28

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This week hasn’t been easy. Continuing on from how I felt the previous week, I was just not content with everything. It was like I was feeling lost again except I knew where I want to go but the end is just so far away and I just wanted to get there. I wanted to close my eyes and open it when I have been teleported to where I wanted.

I was just feeling empty, down, lifeless, bored, and anxious. When I looked into myself to see what it was all about, I realised that I was just really having a hard time with accepting that small progress is still progress, that hard work over a long period of time is required for most of my goals, and perhaps the biggest reason of all is that I was complacent in my relationship with God.

I’m writing this on a Sunday, so the 5th day of Week 7. It’s been 5 days but the only thing I’ve done that I think I could put in the blog is the burger I made, as well as going to the beach and the park with my parents, sister and my sister’s boyfriend. I can probably add reading a book there but I’m just on Chapter 3. As for my fear project, I can say that I let myself be vulnerable in my household meeting with SFC and I did one section in my CV.

Before, this would have been enough. Small progress is good progress. I thought I believed that. But when I listed all the things I’ve done in more than forty days, I realised that I haven’t really done much. I could do SO.MUCH.BETTER. This made me anxious, sick to my stomach and defeated.

I know. I really know that small progress is still progress. And that I can’t always have a crazy ass, exciting, adventurous day everyday. But this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to feel that I was living everyday as if it was the last. It wasn’t about amazing YOLO experiences. It was about doing something everyday whatever it was that would make me happy to the point that I can die that day and it would be okay.

So, things have to change. I don’t know how. I truly don’t. But I have FUCKING ONE YEAR TO LIVE. ONE. I will not let it go to waste. God is with me. NOTHING CAN BE AGAINST ME. I will get through this by trusting and depending on Him. This will end in victory, I am claiming it.

(Week Six) Before we get too old – Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

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STILL VOLUNTEERED (15/02/2017)

So, after receiving that email about my notes not being adequate, I was quite scared about going back. I was seriously contemplating about just calling and saying that I can’t go because I’m sick or something. But in the end I went.

And nothing bad happened. No one even said anything about it. So yeah.

GOT HELP FROM A NEW SOLICITOR

Usually when I volunteer the solicitor’s are having a lunch break. So I always have to ask them to cut their break short to get advice. I often get the same person to help me. But that day, one of the younger solicitor said to wait for him in his office and he will be there in ten minutes.

This is in my Fear Project post because I get really intimidated around this solicitor. He’s closer to my age and he’s already working as a lawyer. I have this fear of him judging me or thinking bad of me because I’m still volunteering rather than working. It’s stupid but it’s how I feel. So yeah.

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PLAYED IN THE PLAYGROUND (20/02/2017)

You know how playgrounds these days are… um… challenging. It’s not just seesaw, swings, or monkey bars. They have these Ninja Warrior-ish obstacles that are usually for balance and upper strength. I am not fit, I am fat 😥, and I’m just clumsy. Still, it seemed fun to try at least two of them… so I did! Anyway, it was scary but I feel very accomplished! 😬

(Week 5) Here my heart surrendered – In Control by Hillsong

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ASKED A FRIEND TO HANG OUT (08/02/2017)

My soulmate~

I was in town to volunteer in the community law centre. Since I have to drive thirty minutes to get there, I decided that I want to stay longer. Do anything so that my petrol is not wasted. After much thinking, I decided to send a message to a friend asking if she wants to hang out. I kid you not my heart was beating fast when I asked! 😂😂😂  I don’t even know why, but I think it’s not about her or anything, it’s just that I never ask first when it comes to social stuff so it makes me nervous. Anyway, not that long story made short we met up, had a really good talk, and ended the day with an “I love you” 😂 !

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ASKED HELP FOR MY CV (09/02/2017)

This made me sooooo nervous too. I think it’s because I’m scared the person helping me will be like “You have no skill whatsoever to put here” or “wow, that’s the only thing you did?”… so it’s more on judgement. And then it’s also about acknowledging that I am becoming an adult who needs a full time job to sustain herself.

This one was really hard for me to do. I set an alarm to make sure I go but I had doubts the whole time I was showering, changing clothes, eating, and even while I was driving to uni!! But I did go, and let me tell you it was realllyyyyyy good. I feel more confident about myself and I even got tips on how to make my CV better. I’m really glad I went.

And you know, overcoming small things like makes me so fucking proud.

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PLAYED SCARY GAMES (12/02/2017)

I went to a VR Studio and played two games that scared me. The first is theBlu, specifically the Luminous Abyss episode. The second one is a zombie game called The Brookhaven Experiment.

theBlu is an underwater exploration game so I didn’t think I’d be afraid… but look at this thing:

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I mean, it’s one thing to look at it on a screen but to experience it???? OMG. When the episode started, I instinctively hugged myself. I truly wanted to call a staff member to help me get out of there.

BTW, here’s a gameplay of this episode:

TBE is a reallyyyyy fun game. I was so happy to do a horror in VR although tbh I was scared of playing a zombie game 😰  It’s because of two things: first, I feel like I might suck at listening to the instructions and so I might get stuck somewhere; second, I’m just legit terrified of zombies.

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Some of the zombies trying to eat me

Still, I can’t really pass up on the chance to be in an alternate universe where I get to stab and shoot zombies and not really die. So just after doing Fruit Ninja and theBlu, I asked if I can play TBE. I really had so much fun. I did scream from time to time, but mostly I was just feeling it. It was like I was an actual survivor trying to annihilate all this zombies! I felt like I was such a badass, shooting with one hand and killing zombies from every direction.

I did stop at level 3 though, which was at the lab basement! My shooting accuracy sucks and I do get trigger-happy so I kept using up my ammo even before I clear the basement. 😅

 

Note: I don’t own the screenshots of the games I mentioned.

(Week Four) Maybe it’s all for the best – Between You and I by Every Avenue

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APPLIED FOR A PART TIME JOB (03/02/2017)

I did it! I applied for a job~

Well tbh though it’s a one off thing. But still. I actually called the agency and even messaged the employer… OMG I did so well 😊 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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POSTED MY POETRY (04/02/2017)

I made an instagram account and posted some of the stuff I wrote before~!

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GOT HELP FOR MY CV (06/02/2017)

Emailed someone from school to help with my CV. It seems crazy to put this here but what I fear is actually making my CV. It symbolises the fact that I’m actually becoming an adult…

(Week One) We never die, we win – Strangers by Peking Duk

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KEPT MY HAND ON THAT METAL THING (11/01/2017)

I have no idea what to call the metal thing so I just called it that. But here’s a picture:

So, this metal thing is for blind people. Once you pushed that big button, the metal will give off timed vibrations. Like tut-stop-tut-stop-tut. When it is safe to cross, it will vibrate like crazyyyy to let the person know.

I truly hate the pulsating vibrations that it gives off. My finger feel so vulnerable when I place it on the metal thing. Although I’m not entirely sure why I’m scared of this, I think it’s psychological. When I first learnt about this, my brother acted as if it’s scary. When I ask other people to do it, I act the same way.

So when I was in town just walking around, I decided to conquer my irrational fear of this metal thing. I placed my finger on it and waited…

The feeling when the sign turned green and the pulsating vibrations became fast was very liberating. It didn’t hurt like I thought. I don’t even know why I was so scared!! 😅

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CALLED A TECH SCHOOL FOR INFORMATION (12/01/2017)

I did well~! I spoke clearly and there was no trace of nervousness in my voice. I did rehearse what I’m gonna say before calling tho 😅

RENEWED MY REGO IN THE POST SHOP IN MY NEW TOWN

I like routine. That will become more apparent later in this blog. So going to my town’s post shop for my rego is a big deal. I don’t know how things work here and I’m not familiar with any of workers. I considered driving 30 minutes to my old town for my rego but I’m kinda broke and I don’t want to waste any money.

Going to the post shop and getting my rego is truly uneventful. I felt awkward, yes, but I survived with no scars~!

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ATE ALONE AT A “CROWDED” PLACE (13/01/2017)

Okay… for most people it’s probably a stretch to call where I was crowded. But there were quite a few people and that’s already crowded for me.

I went to the sushi place in my university and bought food. I was gonna go back to the library where I can eat by myself and hide from people… but I decided to do another thing that I fear: being seen as a loner.

I found a bench to seat on and looked around. There were to men seating alone and eating. Then there were two women chatting on another bench close to me. There was also a group of people sitting on the grass. I started eating while my mind tries to reassure me that no one cares that I’m alone. I think about how when I was eating with friends before we didn’t go around saying “oh look she’s alone, what a loser”. We just ate, talked and had fun. This actually convinced me that it was okay to eat alone. But then I thought: “we’re nice people so we don’t do that. what if these people aren’t nice?” Wow. My negativity won’t let up. At this point I was tired of thinking about all these shit. I was almost halfway through my good food and I didn’t even fully appreciated it. So I thought “screw other people I don’t even know them!” That comforted me again because I always say “why should I care they’re not important”. But then someone I know walks by and I’m like “fuck this shit aye.”

Ma food!

In the end tho I survived. I ate my food, had a good look around the campus, and I did not get any stares or bad looks. I truly did well and I’m very glad.

TALKED TO PEOPLE

I’m becoming used to small talks now! 😬 I talked to my classmates, the person by the elevator, and the barista in Starbucks. I know this doesn’t seem much but I don’t do small talks. I try to avoid talking to people as much as I can because it gets awkward so fast.