Just tell me how I got this far – Everywhere by Michelle Branch

My responsibilities and just the things I need to do are making me so anxious, nervous and terrified.

I’m here just watching TV when dad came home. He started talking about where we, my parents and I, should eat dinner. I got pissed because it’s Valentines day. Why do I have to prepare something for them? I mean it’s a different thing if they have something prepared for each other and I’m just being nice and celebrating it with them. But no, they expect me to.l do the work for them today. I’m not even in a relationship and I have to fucking prepare for Valentine’s! Wtf??

So anyway, that’s not really the point of this. What happened after the conversation was that I just busied myself with my phone and the movie and did not really answer my dad. I then decided to check my email for Collaw’s response for my inquiry about Profs. I figured, I should face my fear. It’s truly crazy to say that I’m scared of opening an email but it’s what it entails that actually scares me. It’s going back to study and doing onsite work. But I figured, I can easily open the email. It really won’t take me long to do it. So I did.

Then I saw an email from Community Law Centre. They said that my notes were unsatisfactory and pretty much politely told me off. I feel slightly sick in my stomach. And I feel anxious now that I realised I have to volunteer tomorrow. I feel this way because I made a mistake and I don’t want to be confronted tomorrow and be scolded in person.

Feeling really negative about all this, I guess my mind wanted to distract me. Too bad it failed miserably. My thoughts wandered into the things I needed to do in relation to law and finding a job. I feel much worse thinking about it all.

Anyway, writing it down makes me calm. The volunteer thing was bad but more instances like that will definitely happen in the future. I just have to keep my head up, do better and don’t take it to heart. Or atleast, don’t let it consume me. I know I’m scared of failure but failing is learning. It will be if I don’t let it break me. Besides it could truly be worse.

Just now I decided to open up the “Word of God” app to ease my troubled soul. I’m very glad to see that there were two articles about fear on the front page.

I want to end this post with a prayer: My Lord and my God. My heart is full of fear and anxiousness. But I know that You are with me and so nothing can be against me. I believe in Your will. I know that things happen for a reason. Today, I feel this way to remind myself to rely on You, to trust in You, to be more resilient, and to do better. I pray that I will embody these lessons and I ask that you comfort me and embrace me with your grace. Amen.

It’s a hard time to wait – When You Know by Hostage Calm

Today is the day.

The day of failure.

I think what makes me saddest is that I was so proud of myself for actually applying for a job, calling the agency, and getting it. Granted, for the most part, I was really just proud of even applying and calling. It took serious amount of courage to do it because mostly I was afraid of actually working and socialising with people and also because I was scared of failing to get the job.

I was thinking that being a driver may not actually be worth it. But I wanted to work hard and get the maximum amount of money. And I’ve been imagining how the day was gonna turn out so I was totally expecting to be working. It really makes me sad to hear that the employer already have too many drivers.

I am really sad and disappointed. But it’s not like it’s gonna ruin my whole day or something. I know that things happen for a reason and that this experience had already served some purpose as it made me do something that I am scared of.

Oh well, really, I guess just better luck next time.

Edit: my parents just came home and I told them about the situation. That’s when I realised that another reason why I was sad was that I really didn’t want to disappoint my parents by telling them that I actually didn’t get the job. I mean it’s a one of thing, yeah, but I think it made them a little bit proud and very happy to know that I’m moving on from being a student and trying to enter the workplace. To be fair tho, I just finished school and I used to have a part time job so I’m not exactly a useless freeloader.

Caution tape around my heart – i hate you i love you by gnash

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling when I saw the likes and comments on the things I posted in my new Instagram. It’s not much compared to almost everyone else, but it felt really good for someone to acknowledge the things I wrote. It made me really happy. I hope that I can hold on to the happiness I felt at that moment.

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"And inevitably, I fall even deeper. Because in the midst of all the chaos in my heart, there is a calmness that you bring by holding my heart and never letting go." – there's no other choice but to tell you that I crave your love #poetry #spilledink #love #writersofinstagram

A post shared by trsk (@trsk_19) on Feb 4, 2017 at 12:04am PST

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind? – The Blower’s Daughter by Alice Kristiansen

I just finished watching the Korean drama, Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-joo, and I’m left thinking sad thoughts at 2:41 am. It’s the school setting and the series ending in graduation that reminded me of where I am in my life. I’m at the end of the biggest chapter of my life. My eighteen years of studying will finally end this February. To be honest, because I’ve take a gap sem and only did one paper each in two semesters, I feel like I don’t really feel like my university life is ending. Rather, because I’ve pretty much already slowly left I just feel my I’m floating – stuck between being a student and an unemployed adult. But with Kim Bok-joo and her friends’ story ending, it made me want to properly celebrate and end my student days. Living in this country already meant that I didn’t graduate high-school (we don’t have graduations ceremony in high school) so I haven’t actually fully experienced celebrating my high school life, nor did I mourn the end of my time with my friends. It just felt like it wasn’t actually the end. So there weren’t tears or sad hugs or any talks of staying in touch. And now in University, although I’ve drifted away from most of the people I knew in first year and second year so I don’t have a lot of people to celebrate with, I still want to acknowledge this end… I want to properly end this chapter in my life. I want to celebrate all the things I’ve done, appreciate all the lessons, remember the hardships, and move on.

I will truly miss how hard me and my friends studied to pass law. For my first year, I read every word in our course materials for lectures. To study for the exams I wrote “DO NOT DISTURB” in a big piece of paper and posted it in my door. I studied like crazy. Second year wasn’t any different. But by this time we have study groups which lasted forever because we have different opinions. We started drinking energy drinks but it rarely worked – once we read “Dworkin” or “Hart” drowsiness immediately comes. We also started to cram, to fall asleep in classes, to rely on lecture videos… By third year we went crazy. Five year long papers with finals worth 60% and up of our grade. More study groups that became unproductive because we wanted to study different things, but still we continued. Because we learnt to just sit together in The Station and eat curly fries and top deck cadbury while we’re studying. Although we were busy, we relied on our expertise in cramming so we could go and hang out outside uni more than we did during the last two years. We survived the hellish third year and went on to fourth year where things continued to be the same, except for some relationships that either become closer or drifted apart. By fifth year things have really changed. Less time to see each other, different priorities, and different responses to the end of university life.

I will truly miss the energy drinks, coffee, curly fries, and chocolates. The snacks that our older friend would bring. I will also miss the conversations in between classes, the desire to stay awake and actually falling asleep. I will miss rolling my eyes when someone ask a question that is vaguely relevant for the exams. I will miss running late to lectures and pretending I don’t feel tired from a few flight of stairs. I will miss the professors, the students, the lecture rooms, the lessons I’ve learned about law and life, the stress, the cramming, the boring lectures, recording lectures when panopto stopped, making connections for notes, buying cheap text books, buying expensive textbooks but never making a mark so it can be sold again, the walk to the parking space, my friends dropping me off to my house which was a 5 minute walk from university, eating sushi, going to the gym, studying in the booths in the library, staying there until 9 pm to study, dressing like I’m model one day and then like I’m homeless the day after, making fun of first years who still puts so much effort on how they look, O Week and the club theme parties I never go to, eating in Orehanga, hiding from people who knows me because I can’t be bothered to talk, risking overdue fines just so I can use a book to finish an essay. I will miss the friendship, the simplicity of life… and even tho I hate to say this, I will definitely miss the exams.

#2amthoughts