My responsibilities and just the things I need to do are making me so anxious, nervous and terrified.
I’m here just watching TV when dad came home. He started talking about where we, my parents and I, should eat dinner. I got pissed because it’s Valentines day. Why do I have to prepare something for them? I mean it’s a different thing if they have something prepared for each other and I’m just being nice and celebrating it with them. But no, they expect me to.l do the work for them today. I’m not even in a relationship and I have to fucking prepare for Valentine’s! Wtf??
So anyway, that’s not really the point of this. What happened after the conversation was that I just busied myself with my phone and the movie and did not really answer my dad. I then decided to check my email for Collaw’s response for my inquiry about Profs. I figured, I should face my fear. It’s truly crazy to say that I’m scared of opening an email but it’s what it entails that actually scares me. It’s going back to study and doing onsite work. But I figured, I can easily open the email. It really won’t take me long to do it. So I did.
Then I saw an email from Community Law Centre. They said that my notes were unsatisfactory and pretty much politely told me off. I feel slightly sick in my stomach. And I feel anxious now that I realised I have to volunteer tomorrow. I feel this way because I made a mistake and I don’t want to be confronted tomorrow and be scolded in person.
Feeling really negative about all this, I guess my mind wanted to distract me. Too bad it failed miserably. My thoughts wandered into the things I needed to do in relation to law and finding a job. I feel much worse thinking about it all.
Anyway, writing it down makes me calm. The volunteer thing was bad but more instances like that will definitely happen in the future. I just have to keep my head up, do better and don’t take it to heart. Or atleast, don’t let it consume me. I know I’m scared of failure but failing is learning. It will be if I don’t let it break me. Besides it could truly be worse.
Just now I decided to open up the “Word of God” app to ease my troubled soul. I’m very glad to see that there were two articles about fear on the front page.
I want to end this post with a prayer: My Lord and my God. My heart is full of fear and anxiousness. But I know that You are with me and so nothing can be against me. I believe in Your will. I know that things happen for a reason. Today, I feel this way to remind myself to rely on You, to trust in You, to be more resilient, and to do better. I pray that I will embody these lessons and I ask that you comfort me and embrace me with your grace. Amen.