(Week Ten) Which way now – Madrid by Yellowcard

March 15 to 21

I don’t know what to write actually. I haven’t been doing much to be honest. But at the same time, I know I am. It’s like I haven’t been living with structure but I have done things in between that I think I should put in this blog. But I feel like I need to regroup myself… properly. I need to remember what I’m doing this for, and I need to find the strength and determination to face my fears. I knew this big of a change will come and I didn’t prepare for it. I feel disappointed but I’m trying to comfort myself by reminding me that this is a BIG change in my life. And I’ve never been one to take beginnings and endings well. And truly, what I should be constantly reminding myself is to have faith and trust in God. That means no unnecessary worrying. Instead, I should prepare myself for what he has planned for me.


(Week Nine) End these wretched days in bliss – The Touch by Cathy Davey

March 8 to 14

Worth it? Yes. I did really well in terms of living healthily, I feel good about my volunteer, and I’m ecstatic to finally finish my CV! I do feel sad about my fight with mom, but it will be okay, I know that.

I did a lot of little chores today and was feeling very accomplished by 4pm~ Then this silly little thought came over me: “it’s not enough”. It was hard to stop it but I just had to continuously remind myself that I have to do it slow so I can sustain this change. Things take time.

I was still awake by 12 am and I was craving bacon SOOOO BAD! What’s worse is that my neck really hurt 😦 I ignored it and still pushed myself to exercise so it got worse… On the plus side though, at least I actually lost a kg!!! I couldn’t believe it 😁

I took a break from my routine! My neck was ok for a bit but I got comfortable so quick that I got hurt again 😦 I spent the day in bed because I was in pain… I only got up because I knew I had to clean the house for the HH!

I’m really happy that I went to the choir practise. It was something I was scared of doing and in the end I had a great time 🙂

A very lazy and quite unproductive day. Which was what I wanted because Tuesday is when I finally have to start applying for jobs.

(Week Seven) I tell my soul again You are Lord of all – In Control by Hillsong

February 22 to 28


This week hasn’t been easy. Continuing on from how I felt the previous week, I was just not content with everything. It was like I was feeling lost again except I knew where I want to go but the end is just so far away and I just wanted to get there. I wanted to close my eyes and open it when I have been teleported to where I wanted.

I was just feeling empty, down, lifeless, bored, and anxious. When I looked into myself to see what it was all about, I realised that I was just really having a hard time with accepting that small progress is still progress, that hard work over a long period of time is required for most of my goals, and perhaps the biggest reason of all is that I was complacent in my relationship with God.

I’m writing this on a Sunday, so the 5th day of Week 7. It’s been 5 days but the only thing I’ve done that I think I could put in the blog is the burger I made, as well as going to the beach and the park with my parents, sister and my sister’s boyfriend. I can probably add reading a book there but I’m just on Chapter 3. As for my fear project, I can say that I let myself be vulnerable in my household meeting with SFC and I did one section in my CV.

Before, this would have been enough. Small progress is good progress. I thought I believed that. But when I listed all the things I’ve done in more than forty days, I realised that I haven’t really done much. I could do SO.MUCH.BETTER. This made me anxious, sick to my stomach and defeated.

I know. I really know that small progress is still progress. And that I can’t always have a crazy ass, exciting, adventurous day everyday. But this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to feel that I was living everyday as if it was the last. It wasn’t about amazing YOLO experiences. It was about doing something everyday whatever it was that would make me happy to the point that I can die that day and it would be okay.

So, things have to change. I don’t know how. I truly don’t. But I have FUCKING ONE YEAR TO LIVE. ONE. I will not let it go to waste. God is with me. NOTHING CAN BE AGAINST ME. I will get through this by trusting and depending on Him. This will end in victory, I am claiming it.

Just tell me how I got this far – Everywhere by Michelle Branch

My responsibilities and just the things I need to do are making me so anxious, nervous and terrified.

I’m here just watching TV when dad came home. He started talking about where we, my parents and I, should eat dinner. I got pissed because it’s Valentines day. Why do I have to prepare something for them? I mean it’s a different thing if they have something prepared for each other and I’m just being nice and celebrating it with them. But no, they expect me to.l do the work for them today. I’m not even in a relationship and I have to fucking prepare for Valentine’s! Wtf??

So anyway, that’s not really the point of this. What happened after the conversation was that I just busied myself with my phone and the movie and did not really answer my dad. I then decided to check my email for Collaw’s response for my inquiry about Profs. I figured, I should face my fear. It’s truly crazy to say that I’m scared of opening an email but it’s what it entails that actually scares me. It’s going back to study and doing onsite work. But I figured, I can easily open the email. It really won’t take me long to do it. So I did.

Then I saw an email from Community Law Centre. They said that my notes were unsatisfactory and pretty much politely told me off. I feel slightly sick in my stomach. And I feel anxious now that I realised I have to volunteer tomorrow. I feel this way because I made a mistake and I don’t want to be confronted tomorrow and be scolded in person.

Feeling really negative about all this, I guess my mind wanted to distract me. Too bad it failed miserably. My thoughts wandered into the things I needed to do in relation to law and finding a job. I feel much worse thinking about it all.

Anyway, writing it down makes me calm. The volunteer thing was bad but more instances like that will definitely happen in the future. I just have to keep my head up, do better and don’t take it to heart. Or atleast, don’t let it consume me. I know I’m scared of failure but failing is learning. It will be if I don’t let it break me. Besides it could truly be worse.

Just now I decided to open up the “Word of God” app to ease my troubled soul. I’m very glad to see that there were two articles about fear on the front page.

I want to end this post with a prayer: My Lord and my God. My heart is full of fear and anxiousness. But I know that You are with me and so nothing can be against me. I believe in Your will. I know that things happen for a reason. Today, I feel this way to remind myself to rely on You, to trust in You, to be more resilient, and to do better. I pray that I will embody these lessons and I ask that you comfort me and embrace me with your grace. Amen.

It’s a hard time to wait – When You Know by Hostage Calm

Today is the day.

The day of failure.

I think what makes me saddest is that I was so proud of myself for actually applying for a job, calling the agency, and getting it. Granted, for the most part, I was really just proud of even applying and calling. It took serious amount of courage to do it because mostly I was afraid of actually working and socialising with people and also because I was scared of failing to get the job.

I was thinking that being a driver may not actually be worth it. But I wanted to work hard and get the maximum amount of money. And I’ve been imagining how the day was gonna turn out so I was totally expecting to be working. It really makes me sad to hear that the employer already have too many drivers.

I am really sad and disappointed. But it’s not like it’s gonna ruin my whole day or something. I know that things happen for a reason and that this experience had already served some purpose as it made me do something that I am scared of.

Oh well, really, I guess just better luck next time.

Edit: my parents just came home and I told them about the situation. That’s when I realised that another reason why I was sad was that I really didn’t want to disappoint my parents by telling them that I actually didn’t get the job. I mean it’s a one of thing, yeah, but I think it made them a little bit proud and very happy to know that I’m moving on from being a student and trying to enter the workplace. To be fair tho, I just finished school and I used to have a part time job so I’m not exactly a useless freeloader.

Caution tape around my heart – i hate you i love you by gnash

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling when I saw the likes and comments on the things I posted in my new Instagram. It’s not much compared to almost everyone else, but it felt really good for someone to acknowledge the things I wrote. It made me really happy. I hope that I can hold on to the happiness I felt at that moment.