Counting down the days to go, it just ain’t living – Cancer by My Chemical Romance
Me on June 6, 2013
“I still miss you so badly.”
“I feel like after you died my whole life has been disrupted. Everything that I know, my plans, the things I like… my whole life changed. Until now I always think of you. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a minute, I remember you when I’m not busy. And I feel sad. I feel like I’ve accepted the fact that you’re gone. I mean, compared to those who were with you longer… but I don’t know. When I realised that you’re gone… it’s like a continuous slap in the face. I’ve been trying so hard to change my life. to fix it. But I feel like I’m falling apart. I need to stop first. Breathe, cry and remember you. There’s no break in between and I can’t take it. I just want to go somewhere where I can be alone. Because I’m tired. I’m scared of how short our life is.”
“I really really miss you. And even though I know you’re gone, sometimes I forget. I think you’re alive, in your house. Then I realise you’re gone.”
It was hard to describe how I felt that day. I tried to put it into words but I felt like nothing ever captured what it was like. Then, a few months ago I was on Thought Catalog and I saw this article talking about the “point of no return”.
According to the article:
There is a pivotal moment all people must experience (multiple times) before they are ready to truly achieve their dreams…
Every person’s moment looks different. These moments can be brought on by the death of a loved one. By failure. By success. Every person’s moment looks different. These moments can be brought on by the death of a loved one. By failure. By success…
[I]t’s a pivotal moment when a person changes how they see themselves and the world. For those seeking to achieve their dreams, it is a self-induced turning point that one never turns back from.
It felt comforting, knowing what it could be. I felt relieved knowing that I’m going through this for something. My heart keeps breaking and I can’t take it if it’s not for something great.
The worst thing about her being sick was that it made me realise that life will never be the same when she die. I wanted to stay in my little bubble of naivety and innocence. It was nice there, I didn’t have to be afraid or anxious.
My life after she died was hard. I tried to justify her death by forcing myself to believe that it happened for a reason – she died so people will “wake up and live”…
But what can I do? I needed something to hold on to.
My life after she died was hard but my justification for her death only made it harder on me. I wanted to do so many things that in the end I felt lost. I was overwhelmed with how much my life was lacking and I couldn’t cope. I felt like a failure. I hated myself because she died so I can live my life and yet I’m failing.
Being in university didn’t help. I fell out with my friends, buried myself in studying, and ended up failing more and more in my mission to change my life. Studying law didn’t help either. In fact it made things worse. Being a law student meant that I was more vulnerable to depression. And by the start of third year I could feel myself drowning from the stress, the intensity of my studies, and the overwhelming need for commitment to law.
It was a conversation with my sister that made me realise my heart never stopped breaking even when two years had passed. I didn’t know how it started but in the end I explained to her that I was “floating”. Everyone around me had started to put down their roots on something, they had already found what they want to invest their life in, what their passion is, what will give meaning to their lives… and here I am going through the motions, never giving myself completely. I didn’t know who I was – what my favourite colour is, what my favourite food is, who I admire, what I wanted to do after uni, who I wanted to be… I was so lost.
It got worse when I find out I couldn’t do honours because the papers I wanted to take are not being taught this year. The only security I had in my life disappeared. I only had Plan A, which was to do my honours papers while I fixed my life so I’m not wasting time.
In the end, in my effort to put my life back on track I realised how much I missed along the way. it made me feel sick. My stomach hurt. My heart ached.
I really like it when I’m right. But just that once I wanted to be wrong. I wish that her death did not affect me. I wish that I was still the same person. I think that’s what makes it harder. I can’t accept it.
Reading the article again on Thought Catalog made me teary. Although it felt like I was the same person as I was when she died, I realise that I’ve actually changed. I’ve done so many things that I wouldn’t have before. I became part of so many things that I would have let passed if she didn’t die.
I am different. I just wish I remember it all the time… because on the days when the darkness finds me, I don’t remember what I’ve done. I only know what I haven’t.
But it’s time to pick myself up. It’s time to stop floating and walk. Depression is not beautiful. Darkness is not romantic. Being lost is not poetic.
You need to find your path. That is perhaps the most important thing you can do in your life. Until you do, you’ll always be floating. Until you do, you’ll never be able to make the impact you were meant to have in your life. Your life has a purpose. You have unique talents and abilities—your own superpower. Once you figure out what that is, you will become unstoppable.